If not i

As selfish as some are, i could never stoop that low.. its all or nothing..goin with the flow.. take me away from yesterday and bring me to oblivion.. 

Give 100% or nothing at all.. either emotions are sky high or simply gone ...there is no movie, poem, or song to describe the moment it went wrong 

do it with heart

do it with soul

the minute you dont the world is so cold

See past my eyes and thru my soul 

My heart is made of gold

It used to be black it used to be cold 

it used to say "Fuck it" when things got old

now it cries for understanding

a simple phrase or the right reply

not a barrage of deceit or lies 

They called me blackheart for a long time

The Past and Present determine why 

the future should be bright not dreary

All the while we are weary 

Playing the victim when your in the wrong

Your not torn your actually strong

Take back the words that have no meaning

If they were used in vain or just for teasing

Craving the wrong things from the wrong places

will lead to an empty abyss

Karma aint shit..im a bigger bitch

Alter egos that need stroking 

are not meant to be held by a one and only

Complain about your scars or make a change

If not i..then who?.. will heal your pain

-jdm 

Then and ONLY then you know

When you don't have the urge to seek options

when you don't want to turn back and let curiousity lead you to your past

when you understand the value of friendship, love, and loyalty

when you can talk without going to bed angry or giving your back to your partner

when you no longer feel the need to hold people on the back burner "just in case"

when you can walk away from temptation

when you will say whatever you have to honestly rather than sugar coat things to protect the persons feelings

when you KNOW that theres no time for games

when you address people who disrespect or cross the line/boundaries

when you absolutely care

when you wake up and go to bed with them on your mind

when you cant be apart without atleast speaking 

when you acknowledge all communication not just selectively 

when you understand each others life styles and jobs

when your friends know each other and there are no secrets 

when you DONT walk out of the room to take a call

when you give your attention to only them and don't feel obligated to stroke other people's ego's 

when you can have the most fun doing nothing or something out of the ordinary 

when you cant sleep at night until you hear "i love you" 

when you can spend time with them, their friends, and then some without feeling forced..and enjoy it

when you completely trust one another and there are no reasons not to

when you dont get angry over nothing...instead you discuss it like adults

when you LOVE SOMEONE you can relate to all of the above.

If you don't ... it isn't meant to be. 

Dear You.

When we are together am I the only one?..like Ke$ha says....
Do i make your heart beat like an 808 drum?
Are you pre occupied with texts and calls?
Or are you hypnotized by my voice and all...

I have a strong presence...but im not trying to intimidate..
If you have groupies or haters don't procrastinate...
Make your circle a real one.. only friends, family, and people who truely respect you..

don't wait until they ruin what's been established
Im here today full force..but
If you give me a reason I'll vanish into tomorrow by cause
Im all about loyalty, respect, dedication, and honesty
No time for games or deceipt

You have the blueprint so it's all on you
Your the foundation...don't let it crumble.

Im faithful to the end and extremely humble

I don't flirt, cheat, or lie..I'd rather hurt someone with the truth than watch their heart die

All the people who have pursued me are slowly leaving my life...better off so I can go on without drama...

I don't deal with jealousy, baggage, or baby mommas!

PICTURES JUST BECAUSE ....A LIL TRIP DOWN THE PATH OF JDM

MY 27TH BDAY WEEK

THIS WEEK HAS BEEN EXTREMELY UNPREDICTABLE. 

FOR THE MOST PART MY DAYS WERE GOOD AND SOME NIGHTS WERE GREAT... WORK WAS LAID BACK WHICH WAS GOOD FOR MY FIRST WEEK. 

I CAUGHT UP WITH MANY OLD FACES AT MY OLD OFFICES...I HEARD OF 3 PEOPLE PASSING AWAY RIP CYNTHIA, R.I.P. JORGE FROM THE MAILROOM AT WORK,  AND RIP MY FRIENDS MOTHER FROM WORK...LIFE IS SHORT AND FULL OF OBSTACLES AND SURPRISES. ON TUESDAY THE DAY BEFORE MY BDAY SOMEONE I WAS SENT TO WORK WITH GOT ME A BDAY CAKE DURING LUNCH AS A GESTURE OF APPRECIATION AND RECOGNITION...

THAT SAME NIGHT MY BF HAD HIS MOM MAKE ME A BDAY CAKE AND WAS THE FIRST TO WISH ME A HAPPY BDAY AT 12:00 ... WEDNESDAY EVENING I HAD AN "ALRIGHT" EVENING NOT WHAT I ANTICIPATED..AND TODAY AFTER A LONG DAY I STOPPED TO RE CHARGE MY PHONE AT A STARBUCKS ON THE WAY HOME...AND AN OLDER LATINA WOMAN CAME UP TO ME AND GAVE ME A PIECE OF CAKE AND TOLD ME IT WAS HER BDAY.. SHE REMINDED ME OF MY MOTHER...THEN I TOLD HER MINE JUST PASSED AND SHE SANG TO ME IN SPANISH "FELIZ CUMPLEANOS" COINCIDENTALLY THE WAY MY MOM USED TO SING IT....I WALKED OUT WITH A SMILE AFTER THANKING HER BUT BURST INTO TEARS ON THE TRAIN RIDE HOME...

SO BASICALLY...

IVE BEEN EATING CAKE ALL WEEK AND IM SIGNING UP FOR NYSC...STRANGERS THAT DONT EVEN KNOW ME ARE A SIGN OF GOOD HEARTS STILL LINGERING OUT THERE...OR PEOPLE THAT WERE MEANINGFUL TO ME IN A PAST LIFE... MANY OF MY PERSONAL FRIENDS AND FAMILY HAVE RE APPEARED AND IM GRATEFUL... MY QUALITY OF LIFE IS AT AN ALL TIME HIGH AND I AM THANKFUL I AM LIVING AND NOT DEAD.

THESE PAST FEW MONTHS HAVE BEEN AN EXTREME STRUGGLE...GOING FROM LIVING COMFORTABLY TO HAVING SURGERY AND NOT MAKING ANY MONEY AND BEING AT MY WITTS END...THEN LIVING LIFE AS IF IT WERE MY LAST DAY EVEN THO I HAD THE WORLD ON MY SHOULDERS...

YOU CANT TAKE EVERYTHING AND BE UPSET OR IMMATURE IN LIFE.. YOU HAVE TO APPRECIATE AND MOVE FORWARD DESPITE WHATEVER OBSTACLES ARISE... 

JAPAN WENT THROUGH HELL 

HAITI WENT THROUGH HELL

THE US IS FULL OF ISSUES OF VIOLENCE OF STRUGGLE 

INTERNATIONALLY THERE ARE ISSUES AS WELL...

SO MANY PPL ARE OUT OF JOBS, MURDERED, OR JUST MISERABLE...

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT.. LIVE HAPPILY AND YOU WILL ATTRACT POSITIVE VIBES AND OPPORTUNITIES..

I DONT TRUST ANYONE BUT IM WILLING TO GIVE PEOPLE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT UNTIL I HAVE A REASON NOT TO

JUST NEEDED TO GET THIS WHOLE WEEK OFF MY CHEST...ITS BEEN AWHILE.

-JDM 

Winter Cuffing Vs. Spring Flings

 "Winter Cuffing Vs. Spring Flings"

By Jackie da Model

Jackiedamodel@gmail.com

So it has come to my attention that people tend to get together for the long term during the winter, and have casual flings in the spring time. I asked a few different people their opinions on this observation. We all know that the Winter is too cold to be outdoors and guys are too lazy to run around "having fun" in less than 20 degrees. Spring is a time where everyone is enjoying the weather and also activities outdoors and therefore have more of a chance to meet people consistently and date or decide if they want to just "chill".

Weighing the pro's and con's of winter dating and spring dating have led me to the conclusion that making excuses for wanting to commit or run wild tend to come from those who are unsure of themselves. If you can't trust yourself to behave in nice weather what makes you think you will in the cold?.  If you want to be with someone exclusively it doesn't matter the weather, it matters who that person is and what they can offer you. Do they complete you?, Do they understand you?, Can they keep you satisfied? Those should be the ideal reasons, not "I want to stay in and cuddle because its cold so I need a cuddle buddy" or "Lets go speed dating in the spring".

That's the equivalent of the date you bring everywhere vs. the indoor boo. The date you bring everywhere may have won the respect and the honor of meeting friends and family. The indoor boo is most likely only good for sex or companionship. NUFF SAID! Get it together ladies and gents!!!

"Never make someone your priority when you are only their option"-anonymous quote

I have lived and learned and at this time I can honestly say that Love is unexpected, so let's not search in the hot chocolate aisle at the bodega ....if your meant to be you will meet that person at the time best for both of you.

Stay Focused!!

@Jackiespeaks247

comments + feedback welcome!

THE PEPE FOUNDATION

I am a good friend of Alex Baez and I have watched him go through a trial of emotion upon the discovery of his father’s diagnosed Cancer. Alex guest hosted with me the day after the news was delivered on my radio show “The Jackie Speaks Show”on www.urbanlatinoradio.com for my very first show. We were each others support.

“The Radio Show was therapeutic” said Alex Baez.

He is a constant reminder to myself and others that a good friend is hard to come by and even harder to keep. I value his advice and his character and if you knew him so would you. He is what I can call one of my mentors in this industry, a man that gives and asks for nothing in return to many for the love of his career. That being said please take a moment to visit the website for his Fathers Foundation. Alex has set up an event as well to focus on a fundraiser which will be on February 10th at the OE lounge in Queens. Anything you can donate would be appreciated, just think if it were you how much it would mean when people help out to keep your family afloat.

http://www.giveforward.com/pepes-foundation

For My Mother - Open Mic Session First time venting after she passed R.I.P. 2005 (c) JDM

In just 2 days I lost my sanity

The mind behind my heart was on it's last thought.

The heart that saved me on it's last beat.

Reality sets in based on what I had to see

I was cool until the call on my cell

The call that set off the last nerve I had

I couldn't react

I jumped in a cab quick fast

Dropped off my niece, got up wit my sisters and did the dash

I cant take this sh!t

Watchin my mother suffer for strength

Hooked up to machines, pumpin her wit medicine

Tryina get her to blink

Attached to her bedside for hours

Her body shuttin down slowly

It was sudden like the collapse of the towers

In a coma but she still heard me

She rubbed my hand and squeezed tight

While I begged her to put up a fight

My sisters lookin out takin turns checkin

Vitals only got worse every split second

Waitin room looked like a slap in the face

You know it's over when there's no seats in the place

Front to back family and friends reminiscin to stay up

My eyes bloodshot red I'm on the verge of throwin up

They forced me to leave, go home and get sleep

I agreed cuz my body was gettin too weak

I told my sister I'd be back in a few and off I went to I.C.U.

To say goodnight to my mother, only to find my aunt beside her

Shes gone now, nothing can be done to revive her.

I burst out in tears as I watched them pray.

I still stand in denial to this day.

To me she's some where Im not.

Ill be there before I know it..it's life's little plot.

We were all born to live life and then slowly get got.



* Value the ones U love b4 its too late thats the lesson I learned from what life put on my plate.- BABY J*-


::::::::::::::R.I.P. Maria Del Carmen 04-26-05:::::::::::::::


::::::::TRU STORY::::::::

-PERFORMED AT AN OPEN MIC AT HUNTER COLLEGE 2005 FOR MY COUSINS OPEN MIC POETRY SESSION. - JACKIEDAMODEL AKA BABY J

Im not ready - The anniversary Trip April 08 (c) JDM

APRIL 2008 A TRIP TO PAY MY RESPECT

Just when i thought i could do it.

When i thought it was gonna be ok?..

I tried. I went to visit, but cried..said I'm ok but i lied!!..

Stood still for 45 minutes..long enuff to daze into memory city.

I tripped on the way out thru the grass, tears blocking my view..tried walking fast but couldnt get my feet and mind to collabo and react

A groundskeeper asked "maam r u ok" as i passed..and offered a hug bcuz i almost collapsed..

Im not over it.. this is just the beginning.. 3 yrs and i still call her name from the kitchen.

All I wanted was to make her proud..Im screaming from my heart..my tears are even loud..they hit my cheeks like rocks..

I begged god to make it stop..and all he said was when your up top..you'll see her later..for now finish your journey and get it together.if you need to cry you have my shoulder..but child everyone's time gets closer.

I turned around, wiped my tears..looked back over my 24 years..this life is un predictable..grimey and difficult..

Obstacles keep testing me, i have my life together but it's missing a few pieces..

Both my parents and a handful of people..

I am happy for those still here..I'm just upset on the same day every year

I have to let it out ..it;'s unhealthy to fake it..my emotions are tidal waves..but i have to face them.

I'm not ready yet.



to be continued..Written by Jackie da Model..// Jackie C. 4-27-2008

Life and Death the unspoken meanings (c) JDM Oct 2009

R.I.P.- Jack, Maria del Carmen, Julius, Abuela Sara, and so many more.

I give it to you. Live a life full of agony, heartache, struggles, some happy moments, surprises, and lessons..only to be with god in the end. Too young to leave with so much that could have been finished.. but too grown to not accept reality.. death comes sneaking up on u.. when u least expect it.

The good go first, but karma sends the bad to suffer in the long run. I go to sleep not knowing if I will wake up tomorrow, because every time I wake up.. Its like someone else didn't. Nothing of material value is worth more to me than life itself.

Why can't everyone live forever? Ill tell u why..because we live to make a name..so that our name lives .. our soul leaves earth. The more fame we have or money we make ..the more everyone notices us. Well that's not always the case. I have an outgoing personality and a successful mindset. I hope when I go.. my name rings bells. whether its positive .. or negative..cuz if anyone throws dirt on my name.. they will only realize that they spend majority of their days, and lives thinking about ME. which means i had an effect on them somehow...

My mother was the woman in my life that showed me compassion..through every up and down I still stuck right by her as she did by me. She raised me and my two older sisters to know better than to ever give up.

My father was the man in my life that showed me the truth..no matter how hard u try u cant trust anyone. Life is a hustle.

To each person in my family, or my circle of friends that I have lost to the battle of life. I love you and you will never be forgotten.

Hopefully everyone values their loved ones and friends like I do and they never betray them. It isn't worth having enemies anymore. I may have like a handful of people I cant stand but I have valid reasons.. it takes a lot to make me hate some one.. and even then.. HATE is not the definition of what I feel when someone disrespects me or someone close to me. So please... don't waste my time if your fake.. just get lo0ost. Nothing personal, I'm just speaking my mind.. and the truth.

JDM AKA BABY J

The story of my Heart (c) JDM

A young female falls helplessly into despair when she comes to the conclusion that life is not fair. Everything she ever loved has been taken away from her gradually through time and spite. Her strongest feature is her independence..that sheds a light of reality to on lookers. This girl is me.

Love is a lesson, when your emotions become your pain there's no turning back but there's always a new beginning waiting for you in some shape or form. I went through a mock relationship where i was convinced it was going to be forever, then one day i woke up..and i never called him back. Years passed and all was forgiven, but never forgotten. Any new face bore the brunt of negativity based on the past; once showing a slight hint of disrespect or distrust.

Many dates, many personalities but no one was right..so on i went with my journey in life. Do for me before i do for you. Successful, and loved by friends and family but that pang of hope has stressed my mentality. That one day i could feel it again.. not what i felt for him.. but something more. That day has not come because my heart is behind closed doors. I opened up to test the waters,..but never more. What i have been through scarred me emotionally and i can't take any more. Please don't question me, just show me i'm wrong.. there has to be a new day.. when my heart will play that song.

Yours truly Jackie ..

Off My Chest 9 / 3/ 2010 (C) JDM

Its simple...your supposed to move on..get over it..get gone.. i cant..i have to deal with seein shit every time i close my eyes like its still motha-fuckin '99 i been out the house since 2003...doin everything for fuckin me.. the thought of my independence shakes me inside..i was raised well..but my parents both died..i just saw images of everyone with my eyes wide shut...my life keep changing and its fuckin my head up..business is great and i'm doing big things but the streets are still grimy and my patience is real thin! i'm stressed the fck out but i'm gonna win!

time restrictions, priorities and luck..how can i follow my heart or my mood when shyt gets fucked up..right this minute i wanna hop on the bus..go to the cemetery and speak up.. talk to my mom..like i'm talkin to god..i cant go to church because i'm mentally scarred..when i walk in i'm overwhelmed with emotion..every time i'm there its dramatic..a wake, a memory, or a prayer for my devotion... i cant find peace.. i talk to god in my sleep..i see my dreams laid out for me.. i saw my future a few times..but i believe in finding out my fate on my awake grind...everything is up in the air one minute im chillin with friends the next minute they dead? r.i.p. adan gonzalez, shauny and more ...im runnin out of wake outfits i gotta hit the mall..i've run out of tears ..now its just a silent stare...i look at photos all the time to feel like they here... talkin to family and friends..i miss them much but my work consumes me.. the real ones stick around while others complain..what if u never saw me again?..

enjoy whatever form of communication we have..life is to short to be such a drag..i cant fight my priorities or id black an eye..i gotta make money gotta reach for the stars in the sky..i'm listening to biggies album ready to die..hes one of the best to ever do it...an inspiration to most....im tryina make it with my goals from coast to coast..when i do make sure u raise ya glass for a toast ..

-jdm.str8 heartfelt venting.one

Facebook Disclaimer due to behavioral issues among its users (c) JDM

First off let's get familiar. My name is JACKIE! Jackie da Model... I happen to be a multi-talented woman and the name is not a derivative of conceited ways. If you bother to read my BIO or get to know more about me it would be beneficial when trying to form a business or friendship connection. I decided that instead of cursing out every spammer, and putting every crazy person in check I would write this disclaimer. GET TO KNOW ME THEN PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

I take the time to get to know people before making assumptions about them based on their job, appearance, and or name. I am humble and speak with my fan-base as well as friends and family on a daily basis. This facebook page has recently become amazingly analytical. I have people who support my endeavors and people who just come to criticize my work. It is beyond me why anyone has time to have that much negative energy. There is something I learned from all of this. I must be doing something right.

Here's a breakdown ok:

I do Media stuff such as blogging, event coverage in all aspects, a radio show, and interviews.
I do modeling professionally paid and unpaid shoots, I do not post work that does not pertain to my page. I also do not share photos or video if it is not contracted or releasable.
I promote nightlife and artists, as well as PR / Marketing.
I basically do everything that is positive and collectively productive community and industry wise.

Therefore when I get people writing me personal messages and or public posts and taking things to another level.. it is my choice to accept it or put my foot down. I do not deal with negative, disrespectful, or perverse energy. If you have been blocked or deleted and somehow are back in my page it is a matter of time before your true colors show. I am single it does not mean I am looking and or here for that. This is NOT match dot com. Most men admire my ambitious drive but cannot handle the attention i receive as a female thanks to my image and aura. That is not fair to me, so I choose whom I have around me wisely. The last thing I am going to do is go out with an absolute stranger off the net because he called me "sexy" or "cute". Lets be realistic.


DEAR SPAMMERS:

I promoted for the last 7-9 years in various venues / events. I can say that I have a following and people respect my hustle. Face book has took a turn for the absolute worst. We now have SPAMMERS calling themselves promoters. what an insult. Spammer: A person who tags you in flyers without your consent repeatedly. On your wall, on your status posts, and in your inbox SPAM EVERYWHERE, it actually aggravates people to the point that they remember your name, but then associate it with "oh that annoying guy". If you don't put in work no-one will go to your event, tagging a picture is rude and impersonal..if the person is not working this venue and or affiliated why tag them?. Better yet, pay for an email blast and stop being cheap. END.


ASSUMPTIONS:
ASSumptions make an ass of you. Therefore dont judge a book by its "cover" or a person by their images .. unless i directly say i am involved in something i am not. My line of work is intricate, my personal life suffers at times because i am busy. My priority is to be healthy and productive, not feed into any FB drama or emotional Carl Thomas ass people. I am one woman..not a machine..so I cannot get to every single persons inbox message or notification at that very minute.

DEAR ANGRY EMAILERS:

I do not respond to messages that are not business related, and or respectfully written. I do not respond to spam either. So instead of repeating the same mistakes, learn from them. If you "ask me out" on face book there is a chance you don't realize that there is a time and a place for everything. I get mass emails with compliments and date offers, am i supposed to run out and meet random men? NO. That is not safe, please consider seeing things thru my eyes before being offended if i decline an offer. You wouldn't want men on the internet trying to pick up your sister or daughter, think about it. It is possible that we may cross paths in a mutual event or meet in person for other reasons, at that time introduce yourself. Real men do not proceed with anger when being turned down. My pictures are for viewing and commenting as a friend or supporter of my work. Perverse responses will be deleted and you will be blocked.


JDM THOUGHTS:
Being "Famous" and having Recognition/RESPECT plus a large following bc of what you do are two different things. You can be famous for something dumb or irrelevant but you cannot gain recognition and respect for that..(e.x. antoine dobson) my route is that of RECOGNITION-JDM

THANK YOU
SINCERELY
JDM


TO BE CONTINUED..

JDM WRITINGS: Do you understand me now?

Solemn afternoons, I drift into my thoughts.

Pretending nothing matters anymore.

Disguising my stress filled life, with smiles and night life.

Loosing loved ones left and right.

Surprisingly I am the one you despise.

I will rise before I fall.

I will overcome the obstacles that are plaguing my life.

You judge me like the cover of a book.

Yet you become fascinated with me, to the point of infatuation.

Why do I interest you deeply?

Please explain to me..

If you don’t want to love me, then stop hating me.

Your hate is resentment trapped in your heart, due to me tearing your world apart.

I feel no remorse.

Every action has a reaction, and a meaning behind it.

I say what I mean and I mean what I say.

I told you to forget you met me today.

I told you to destroy our memories.

I told you not to let me down.

Hold your head up.

Eyes off the ground.

Look at me.

Do you understand me now?

-JDM // 2007 COPYWRITTEN-JDM WRITINGS

Mind.Body.Soul event

Mind.Body.Soul event

LIFE IN MY SHOES

Being a mean kid who picked on my big sister but loved her more than anything. Playing outside with my friends, listening to hip hop and R&B, Reggae and Latin Music. Begging my mom to let me stay out until the street lights came on or went out depending on the day. Watching my sisters go about their lives and fall in and out of love. Succeed and Fail. Knowing that when i grew up i would fight just as hard to make it thru this life.

Seeing my parents fight. to the death. Living in many different places. Situations too.

Old enough to travel alone. Doing Graffitti, Breaking Night. Rebelling. Teaching kids in my JHS how to dance to hip hop and all. Being the best of the best and the talk of the town. Being the most hated and the most known around.


Finding out my parents smoked. Them finding out i smoked. Both of us quitting LOL.

Losing my dad at 15 years old.

Being involved in one of the most organized "associations" known to latinos.

Being a leader, never a follower.

Being in love. Being in Lust. Being responsible for myself and my surroundings.

Being sent to councelor even tho i was bad before dad died.

Me going to hookey parties. cutting class to play handball because i loved the game. going to get GED and then going to College. Making more than high school grads and College grads at the age of 19.

Me loosing Mom at 21 a week after bday and fighting to keep my sanity. Public constantly judging me for what they hear and not what they see or experience. Me loosing job at 21 and moving on to the best job of my life to make double the money.

Socializing and networking until i became a nightlife personailty like the ones i used to watch and admire.

Friends coming and going trying to get a piece of my lifestyle.

Friends who became family.

Family who became friends and or cut off.

Getting chopped and screwed over by the game of life.

Losing a loved one atleast one a year.

Going thru different trials and error in relationships what is right what is wrong.

Having heart broken and being damaged for several years mentally.

Making mistakes and learning from them.

Fighting what were once close friends and wishing them the worst, for them disrespecting.

Being Loved and adored by so many people for so many reasons.

Being understood and misunderstood.

The best is yet to come.. to be continued.

This is life in my shoes

Jackie da Model